Am I ready? Are You? This is LONG.......

Ready to post again on this thing? Ready to talk about the loss of my fur baby, my sweet angel Bailey? No, not really. I won't be ever okay to talk about her loss. I miss her so terribly. Miss the jingle of her collar. You see in the middle of the night when she needed me and I was sleeping somewhere in the house that she couldn't get to with her older legs (upstairs), she would shake her head, knowing I would hear the jingle and come to rescue her. And I did, always. She would see me and her tail would wag, ( a dog wags its tail with its heart you know), the pant of happiness would start. Her way of telling me "oh thank goodness you always come!" She may of been thirsty, or just needing a potty break, or she may just of needed to know that I would come if she needed me, either way, I came and she smiled.

The jungle of her collar, the dog bed in the corner that she always managed to miss when she was deciding on a place to lay. Until nightfall at least, and then the bed was hers, and she would go to it and snuggle in waiting for me to say goodnight. I thought about not saying goodnight sometimes. Just going to bed, I mean really, does she even care I thought? Of course if I started to go upstairs her head would lift and she would look at me as if to say, "what, no goodnight kiss tonight?" So I always got down on my knees and told her I loved her, wished her sweet dreams, kissed her sweet face, where she in turn would grunt a sort of "Uhhheeeerrr" to me. I am assuming it was the same sentiments to me in return. In fact I am sure it was. Or maybe she was telling me that she would see me a few hours when she would call me with her collar to be let out.

My mind wanders to her puppy days. Before the kids, before all the moves. Back on that first night I had with her. I wanted her to sleep right next to me on the bed. She, being a lab puppy had other ideas and decided keeping me up most of the night before falling asleep on a pillow next to my bed, only to pee on it later, was the better choice. She was so incredibly beautiful. So soft, her eyes like a golden brown that looked at you and instantly made you smile and your heart fill with emotion. Her ears to this day, were the SOFTEST ears I have ever felt on a dog. She had the best ears. Her coloring was like honey up until her older years when the white became more and more prominent. She was still beautiful, just more dignified.

When someone met her, they were in love. She honestly never met a person that was not her instant friend, or at least in her mind she was YOUR instant friend. And a friend shared cookies, left over hamburgers, hot dogs, whatever, a friend should share. She received a lot of leftovers and a lot of cookies throughout her life. M&M's from Papa and a few french fries thrown in there too. She loved to eat that girl, right up to her last night here with me.

That last night was tough. This time I was awoken by Nicolas who was scared, so I went to his room. Hearing something once I was in the hallway that was just not right. Bailey had been sleeping outside because the fresh air was better for her breathing in those last couple of weeks. She was on a steroid and had a hard time staying cool too, so the crisp night air was easier on her. What I heard sounded like an asthma attack. I knew it was her. I brought Nicolas to our room and left him to sleep with Stan. I went outside where I could hear that the noise was in fact Bailey. Her breathing had worsened due to the fact that she had a tumor above her soft palette. But it had not sounded like this before. I spent the next hours with her outside, petting her, telling her it was okay, I was there, not to worry. I would get her fresh water, do whatever I could to comfort her. Something in me knew that I should take her to the emergency vet. I also kept thinking I wanted her to go somewhere where people knew her and loved her. Her regular vet, or her Oncologist. Being that it was now approaching dawn on Saturday morning, I knew it may have to be somewhere else.

She was calm, I was calm, we just listened to the wind chime in the background, and watched the the sun slowly begin to rise. Two kitties crossed on our back fence. I looked at her and she looked at them. She normally would of run so fast her whole body would collide with the fence, but not that night. She stayed put, panting, almost willing me to go after them instead with her eyes. "Sorry Momma, not tonight she thought." I patted her cheek and told her it was ok, the kitties knew they had a free night and decided to leave instead of taunt her.

As the night went on, and she started to cough, I saw the blood. I wiped it up and told her not to worry, I would take care of her. I always had. Through TPLO (ACL) repairs in two legs, the first surgery for her cancer, the surgery to remove her giant cyst, and lastly the surgery that was the one where we found out the cancer was back, this time much more aggressive. I was there, and I would do it all over again baby girl.

Dawn was upon us now, Bailey still lay in the grass, me wrapped in a blanket beside her. I went in at 6am to think. I needed to lay down for just a minute and think. I am mad at myself for going in. I was so tired, mentally, physically, and emotionally that I fell asleep. It was just a short time, but time away from my girl.

Stan was with her when I went out. She was on her bed now. Her breathing seemed to be better. I looked at him to see if he had a look of concern on his face. He looked at me and told me I better take her in asap. Something was not right.

The kids were up and running now. They saw me and knew something was wrong. I told them Bailey was not feeling well and that Mommy was taking her to the Doctor. I went up to get dressed while Stan was getting her in the truck for me.

I went outside to find Stan and knew by the look on his face something had happened. "We all better go, get the kids." When he was loading her, she could barely stand up. She got dizzy and fell over in the truck hitting her head on the side. "She is really weak and needs all of us now." I went to her at the back of the truck to let her know I was there. I wish I could of been in the back of the truck with her the whole ride into Portland. Taking the chance on getting pulled over by a cop, just to be next to her. But Drew looked at me and I could tell by the look in her eyes she needed me to. Both the kids were worried. They saw me so upset and sensed something bad.

I gave Bailey a kiss, told her we would hurry and get there. "Hold on sweet angel, I am right here, we will be there soon."

We loaded in the truck to head to Portland. Dove Lewis Animal Hospital. Her Oncologist practiced there and we knew they could access her records. Her regular vet was out of town that Saturday (of course), so this was the best option.

It was a somber drive. We weren't sure what to think or expect. Bailey had fought this cancer for a year and a half. She was a fighter, this couldn't be it. I kept saying it over and over in my mind.....this can't be it.

The staff had to bring a gurney to bring her in. She was too weak to walk. They took me to a room where I broke down and tried to jumble out the words of her history and the events of that night. Everyone was so kind and patient. So kind. They had seen me before, a different face, a different family, but they had seen me time and time before and knew what to do.

The kids went with Stan down the street to find something to eat. The Doctor came to me. She told me Bailey had lost a lot of blood. Her red blood cell count was very low. She was bleeding from her tumor. It had grown. So big. In a short three weeks. Too big for her and too big for her to fight anymore. She was not giving up, she just could no longer fight it. Stupid stupid cancer. It took my baby. My sweet, loving, gorgeous, kind, funny, and smart baby girl. I will never forgive it for this. Never.

It all happened so quick. I went to her. She was on the gurney, IV in paw for pain meds. Oxygen, blood, so much blood. I looked her right in the eyes to tell her I was there. I loved her and she was a GREAT girl. Just a GREAT GREAT dog.

I don't know how I pulled it together for the kids as well as I did. The staff took us in a room to say goodbye. The kids came in and my poor babies had to say goodbye to their sweet puppy. They had known her their entire lives. They did not know life with out her. Nicolas said "she is going to die?" "Today?" And when we said "Yes Buddy, today." He cried. He laid on her and cried into her fur. They both said no, please no Mommy. We love her, we don't want her to die. I was so heartbroken for them. For all of us. Bailey was such a part of our family. A big part of us. A happy part of us. Drew was beside herself. Nicolas was trying to understand. He asked me if we would see her spirit leave her body. I was so incredibly sad that all I could do was nod "NO". He was confused, Drew was so, so sad. Her big "sister", her sweet girl. She was having to say goodbye to her and her little eight year old self was not sure she could do that. My 34 year old self wasn't sure I could do it either.

After calming the kids down they each took a turn talking to her, telling her to "get the kitties" in heaven. "Wait for me, I want to see you again, but have fun a dig lots of holes!" Goodbyes, tears, more kisses, more goodbyes. Nicolas wanted to go outside to see if he could see her spirit on it's way to heaven. Stan took both the kids leaving me with my girl. We talked. I looked her in her sweet soulful brown eyes and made her promise me to meet me again. I told her how much I loved her and all I could do was just keep saying "good girl Bailey, mommy loves you."

Once the doctor came in with the medications to put her to sleep, Bailey was looking so tired, so ready to rest. She had not stopped panting in weeks due to the steroids and the tumor. She was so tired. Her eyes would close and then pop back open because her body wouldn't let her rest. Now it was time. Time to rest.

Once the first dose was in her IV she stopped panting. Her eyes closed and she was so quiet! I had not heard her so quiet in months. She was so at peace. She was still with me, her heart still strong. I kept telling the doctor how lucky we were to have her, that she was ours for so long. I told her what a fighter she was, and how much love she gave us all. The doctor kept telling me how lucky Bailey was to have us too. So many dogs don't get that in their short lives, that kind of love from a family. So many dogs are left alone to go through this life. Not Bailey. She lived a great life, one that most dogs would envy.

She left me then. Her strong heart stopped and she left me. I will never ever forget that feeling. She was my first born, my soulmate dog. She was my friend, my confidant, my psychologist. She loved me no matter what. No matter what. She was with me through heartbreak, marriage, the birth of my two kids. She moved with us five different times. She chased away kitties, lizards, scorpions. She made the kids feel safe at night when they knew nobody would break into a house with a big yellow dog in it. She was like a favorite stuffed animal, a soft pillow or blanket. She made me feel safe when Stan was out of town. Her bark was ferocious. She saved me one fateful afternoon in Arizona from a creepy man. She knew when he passed us on our walk that something wasn't right about him. She scared him away with her snarl and pushed him with her paws on his chest. She knew, and she loved me enough to risk her three year old self and saved me. She saved me in so many other ways too. Just by being Bailey and loving me enough.

Nobody will understand the bond I felt with her, because it was ours. We both knew it was something special. My bond with her made it very hard to leave there that day without her. I felt lost. I felt as if I was leaving her there when she needed me the most. I know it wasn't her anymore. I know she was gone from her tired, sick body. But she was my girl that had always been there beside me. She never left my side. I felt like I was leaving her and I hated it more than anything. I wanted to lay next to her until they had to pry my fingers from her fur and pull me kicking and screaming. I wanted to be that irrational crazy lady. I didn't care what anyone thought about me.

The bond with a true dog is as lasting as

the ties of this earth can ever be.

Now she is gone. She has left me to go through this life without her. I have so much to be grateful for. A family that I love and that loves me in return. A knowledge of life after death that was given to me through the Atonement, through my savior, who made the most difficult of sacrifices. I have the knowledge that a Sparrow does not fall from a tree without God taking notice. I know some people don't love their dogs as much as I loved Bailey. I realize that all this may seem extreme to some. My grief is real and it feels like I have lost a huge part of my life with the loss of sweet Bailey. But I take comfort in the knowing that I was a good Mommy to her. That I am here on earth with a mission to be a parent, a wife, a sister, a daughter, and a friend. To be the best I can at all those callings. To of had Bailey along this journey with me for almost twelve years was such an incredible blessing. An incredible teacher of humanity that Bailey. She will be forever in my heart and forever missed.